Make Peace with Your PastJun 02, 2021
Nothing is forgotten until it is truly forgiven. If you want freedom from your past you must truly forgive it to become released from it.
Around 14-years ago this month, my life started to spin out of control. I was fresh out of a decade-long relationship that saw me go back to my old ways of dysfunction as soon as he was gone. Honestly, it surprised even me. I had thought I had changed during our time together, but when the relationship ended I morphed back into the person I was before we met. I was out almost every night, drowning my sorrows with drink. I was burning the candle at both ends, even though I was no longer in my early twenties, but now in my thirties. It was as though he hadn't even existed.
In fact, it was my boss at the time that was insistent I see a kinesiologist as it was obvious, I was not dealing with the breakdown of the relationship. After many attempts on her behalf, I finally gave in and took the card. I was to see this healer the following week. My gut kept telling me not to do it, but perhaps Mrs. B was right. To be honest, I had so much hidden within that I had no room to deal with the relationship renewal.
What I didn't know at the time was that I was going to delve into having a relationship with myself, that would become my greatest love story.
After the first session with the kinesiologist, immediately I started to have panic attacks. I kept on going back to see her, in the hope she could find the magic cure to stop the internal war and I could continue on my way. With each new session, I seemed to slide further into fear, until I was that far gone, I could not get back up for years. For a doorway to the subconscious had been jammed open. One that read 'stress and trauma'.
Yet, in these months working with this healer - whom I later discovered suffered herself from severe panic attacks and was the reason she moved into healing work - on the drive home one evening, as my body shook and the panic rising fast from within, I found myself lost on an expressway. I raced for the lights in order to make them, for the fear was growling telling me to get home. It was to be a red light and as the traffic raced past, I was stuck; stopped, grounded to a halt. Legs trembling, difficulty with breathing, my mind speeding telling me to drive, to get out of there. But to drive, I was going to go head on into traffic. Most likely I would have died and killed another, if I had listened to the scrambling demands of ego thinking that were punishing all those years ago.
'Go. Just drive. Get out of here. You must get out of here now. Go. Drive'
I tell you now, I fought with every strength that I had to hold on to my sanity and not drive head on into the traffic. It was a terrifying experience.
Since this time, I haven't liked to drive. Even now, I drive locally, unwilling to move past the constraints of my brain, in case this memory was triggered. And so, today, I was once again lost. Outside of my comfort zone, when panic started to greet. I found myself headed to this exact same intersection that has haunted me for all these years. Even though I had done everything to avoid it.
The memory surfaced, only I did not stop it, like I did back then. I remembered the man that I loved no longer loved me. How I thought he now loved another. I felt tossed aside as though I was worthless. I thought that this would kill me. I didn't think that I would ever be loved again, if he couldn't love me. I couldn't allow myself to feel this at the time, as I had so much other stuff that I was dealing with. I remember thinking how alone I was, as I wasn't even speaking to my parents at this stage, and I was sleeping on a friends' couch. My world was falling apart.
Why was my world falling apart? Because my mind was. What is within is seen without. This is the number one spiritual law you must come to know. It is what rules the show.
I didn't think that things could get worse for me, but they continued to until I was no more. My ego-mind eventually collapsing underneath the trauma that was finally asking to be healed.
And so today, I faced this fear. Not by conscious choice. As I approached the intersection, my body started to shake once more, my breathing started to perspire, yet the truth of love within silently spoke, 'I am with you.' I held on to the girl within, for I was a child even then. I finally whispered to her, 'You are not alone. I love you.' Something I could not do in 2007.
The heartbreak began to surface after all this time. I allowed myself to feel it, even if it was briefly. And then I smiled. She thought she would never be loved and she was terrified. Now she knows what true love is, for she has found it within. A love that no one can take away from her, when they need to walk a different path.
You cannot control what way someone needs to walk, you can only go the way that you must go. You will be with you forever, so become your friend and your lover. Be kind to yourself and seek the love within, not without.
I never did find a lover to replace him. Yet, I found something so much more. I found myself. A love so complete that fear cannot enter. I fell in love with myself. I fell hard and fast. I no longer seek for love without, for I have it within.
I had to confront this dark shadow that was still restricting my movement and to make peace with my past. This is why your past comes back, as it is asking to be truly healed to become free from. You cannot take your past with you when you wake, for illusions of separation belong to the dream of time, not to eternity.
As I drove home earlier today, to an apartment on my own, how little has changed on the level of form but how great the shift is from within. I do not seek without someone to love me, as I am overflowing with love. It is so whole, there is no longer any void that I am trying to scramble to fill. I do not need to give my body to another in the hope that they will love and accept me. You do not need to love nor accept me, for I do, and that is all that matters. Why? Because what is within is seen without. If I love and accept myself, this is what I will see in the picture in time. I will be oblivious to those that discount me.
I have found the way within that leads to the love you seek. It is whole and complete that fear cannot enter. It is not part, searching for the missing piece to make it fine. It is perfectly fine on its own, for it knows innocence is true, not the guilt of sin.
If you are looking for more love, look towards The Treasure Map. She honestly is a gift in true transformation and will guide you to the love you seek: the perfect, peaceful, powerful love of Oneness, not separateness.
And if you are yet to discover the true healing of The Treasure Map, then dive into a giftbook and remember the truth of love, Perfect Love, that has been hidden from your awareness. Yes, that is right, all the love you seek is within you, underneath the fear that frightens you. Allow The Treasure Map to take you within, to the way that leads without: Oneness with God.
The dive through the dark to reclaim the truth of light is deep, which is why each treasure map giftbook includes a set of 30-questions to ensure the mind-correction is made. Try it out for yourself with a positive feels giftbook. When you love you, others will as well, as what is within is seen without.
Honestly, I felt such a release with allowing what was stagnant within me to free me. You must learn to look upon your buried darkness, truly forgive it to become free from it. This is how you truly heal.
Much love, peace, and Truforgiveness,