The Seeping Wound

As I walked home early this morning, I ran into an acquaintance. Actually, the mother of an acquaintance. It was the normal pleasantries like, "How are you?", "What has been happening?" etc. When I found myself being pulled into a story from the past. 

Suddenly I heard myself speaking of someone that had betrayed me. Around 12-months ago now I had a falling out with a friend. They knew how hard I was working to get The Treasure Map prepared for launch. I was spending around 18-hours a day, 7-days a week to build this map for God. Going back and cleaning up mistake after mistake, it would seem. Time was limited for me, a belief I needed to correct. Yet, I still offered space for this friend from the past. Listening to her stories of suffering, the same issue she seemed to be having with a romantic interest in her life. She was one of my best friends, so of course, I would make time for her.

Fast forward many months and this romantic interest of hers revealed something to me one day. I questioned him, "No, that is not true," that is not what Lisa* told me. "We discussed this issue for 9-months daily!" He then told me that she had purposely lied as they did not want the truth revealed. Boy did I get mad. I was out of my right mind and into the wrong one. It was time for true healing to happen.

Over the next week, I tried to move through this. I thought to myself, why would she waste my time, when she knew I was up at dawn and not going to bed until very late in the night? I felt disrespected. She later told me that she didn't care to share the truth with me, that it was none of my business. I understood this. My issue was that she had purposefully lied to me. Why didn't she just not say anything? Then I would have understood. Finally, it got to the point that I needed to walk away. I needed to learn to value and respect myself and my time, for if I did not, how could others? As what is within is seen without.

And as the months passed, I seemed to still have no peace with this issue. Then I realized what was going on. Around 30-years prior she had lied and betrayed me. We were out with our friends and partners in a nightclub. I was sitting on my boyfriend's lap. I was 19 and madly in love. He not so, but I was gone. She came up to me and pulled me away. I told her no, that I was happy to be cuddling the man I adored. She insisted, and so I reluctantly agreed. I kissed him goodbye. I was so happy. I was in love.

We walked upstairs to the dance floor and just as we started to groove, she told me to stay there, that she needed to go to the toilet and she would be back soon. I did think this was odd, as we had been sitting downstairs, quite close to these amenities. I trusted her and said I would wait. And so, I started to dance with love in my heart.

As these memories come circling back now, I remember the girl I used to be. The 19-year old that was just shy of twenty, and was waiting for her life to get good. This teenage love made her feel that way when he was near. Actually, it made her feel great. As she was enamoured with him.

Time passed. A few minutes that led to 5 and then possibly ten. Maybe even twenties minutes had circulated and it became clear, my friend was not coming back. And so, I made my way down the stairs, and to my surprise, she was sitting on my boyfriend's lap, where I had been prior. Trusting, I didn't think anything of it. I pulled up another chair and as she continued to speak into his ear, whispering, my boyfriend was leaning across and trying to hold my hand. I told him it did not matter, I was okay with her on his lap. She would never hurt me, well, so I thought.

Later, I found out that she had gone to my boyfriend to tell him that she didn't want me to be with him, that she wanted him for herself. To break up with me. At the time, I forgave her and said to my boyfriend, who did not understand, "She will always be in my life, but you will not." I do not know how I knew that he would not always be in my life at the time, for I can tell you now, I dearly wanted him to be. Not long after, he broke up with me and crushed my teenage dreams. Ironically, he slept with most of the girls I knew, except this one that took the knife to my heart.

So, why am I sharing this story with you now? Because it has become clear, after the falling out I had with her last year, this issue has not been truly forgiven by me. I had forgiven it the way the ego teaches, to bury and hide it. To put on a fake smile and to say "All is well." Yet, it sat hidden underneath the surface, for at the time, I did not have enough self-esteem to protect myself or to know how to truly forgive as God has since taught me. And, as timing is everything, it has resurfaced as I have started to work on loyalty with The Treasure Map. You see, The Treasure Map is simply incredible, and I obviously cannot work with everyone, and so I said to God, 'I only want to work with those that are loyal to you and to The Treasure Map, and obviously then to me.' And then this shadow of sin surfaced to be corrected. Of course, the true cause of this complaint is that I have been disloyal to God by choosing the ego over the Oneness of Perfect Love that is our true identity. The cause is always within.

Whilst you seem to be in time you will have shadows of the sin of separation to truly forgive to make clean. It is obviously time that I truly forgive this ancient hate that keeps the truth of Perfect Love from my awareness. It does not mean that I become a doormat to the ego and bow before my friend. It means that I will love myself enough to choose loyal and lovely friends that I am worthy and deserving of having. How do I do this? I find the truth of love within that in its wholeness I see this without. Where no shadows of sin can come to hurt or to harm.

What you find yourself complaining about, learn to see that this is what you must truly forgive to free. Every dark shadow hides a gift of grace, what will you find today?

What I could not see 30-years ago was that I was worthy and deserving to be loved by grace and not guilt. Do not wait 30-years as I did. Let go of those that treat you cruel, by stopping the self-cruelty, and be kind instead, by truly forgiving everything that covers the truth of the remembrance of your Perfect Love.

It all starts within, as what is within is seen without.

I am ready to learn about beautiful friends, those that I can trust and adore, and those that love and respect me. Where we are equals in love and build each other up, not tear each other down. To achieve this, I must remove the darkness within my mind that seeks the ways of suffering. I am working on it and I look forward to meeting my great friends in time.  

So, now for you and your true healing, make a mental note of what you are complaining about and know that this is what you must truly forgive to free. Enjoy your day!

Much love, peace, and Truforgiveness, 
Tash xxx

 * Name has been changed.