Complex PTSDMar 08, 2022
I often say that I moved through acute PTSD, for this is what it was initially, part of my dark decade of the soul. So severe that I asked my treating doctor to place me in an induced coma until whatever was happening to my brain subsided. For example, I had a day when I was laying in a bed in my parents' property. My mum was beside me and my dad on a chair in the room. I was thrashing about as my mind oscillated from the present moment and back to a time in my past. One moment I would be the 33 year-old broken woman begging my parents not to let me go when suddenly I would be back in the mind of a little girl, pushing frantically a man off my body that was not there anymore, however, to me he was. Back and forth I went. It was such a terrifying experience. I had no control yet I was conscious of what was happening when back in the home I grew up in. My mind was no longer operating normally. It was firing shots my way. I was destined to die.
My slide into darkness began on the eve of my 33rd birthday and from then I was never the same. I was aware of the significance of this number as I started to descend into what I called 'pure punishment.' It was hideous and I spent my days and nights in bed simply trying to breathe through it. Looking back, my ego-mind had crumbled. It could no longer sustain the darkness. Many years later, well over a decade, God came to me one day and said, "Your brothers and sisters almost destroyed you with what they projected upon you." It was true, had God not carried me through this storm of separation I would have killed myself. In fact, it was what I wanted the most after years of this mental torture.
It took a few months until the slide into darkness was complete and I crashed into the valley of the shadow of death. So severe was this my dad had to take a few months off work (around 4) and become my full-time carer. I needed someone with me at all times for I was in such terror it felt as though I was going to be killed with each passing moment. In fact, during this hideous horror I would often see a psychic vision in my mind's eye. I was sitting in front of a firing squad and they were about to shoot me, only I stayed in this time frame. That moment of terror that you know you are about to die and waiting for the bullet to bounce. On and on this moment went, adrenalin coursing through my brain and body without release. Death was always the next second. What was even more punishing was the duration of this terror. I could not sleep even with sleeping pills. Actually, to even get out of the house accompanied by one of my parents to go to see the doctor I would have to take two sleeping tablets to sedate me so that I could leave the house. And I hadn't taken any drugs for a long time leading up to this dark nightmare. Yet, because I was on such high alert the medication did not send me to sleep but offered a little release that I could get out of the house.
Xanax worked temporarily as well, and the day my mother emptied the bottle of tablets down the toilet I cried so hard. She did not understand the severity of this anxiety. I was out of my mind with terror! She was worried about addiction, I was concerned with making it through the next hour.
It took 5-years before I started to see progress with the acute PTSD which in fact was complex. Whilst the majority of this illness was one event from childhood there were other bullets that broke me as well. However, I want to make this clear, whilst the ego blames the events of form for what happens to us, these are simply shadows of the misperception that we are sinful of separating from Source/God/Perfect Love. You see, a year into this illness, day and night spent in bed trying to continue to breathe, God came once more and told me, "Forgive and you will heal." However, He was not referring to any type of Forgiveness that the ego teaches, but rather what He eventually taught me that would be called Truforgiveness, "when you forgive at the cause and not merely the effects of form". You see, I finally found the true cause of the abuse I moved through in time. It projected from the belief that I abused God by taking all He gave to me and leaving Him for the ego. I found this within. The pain, the true cause of my suffering, was the belief that I was no longer at One with God. The ego was teaching a game of illusion, set to continue its control by keeping us trapped to the story.
The story is not true for it is painted by the thoughts we think within... deep within. And to truly heal you must truly forgive to undo the ego-mind that teaches you are the body to locate the right mind that teaches you are the being of Perfect Love, asleep in the safety of God's grace but you must wake to your perfect, peaceful, powerful Self.
I never did heal the ego-mind that had made PTSD its home, but rather I found the right mind of peace and love hidden deep within the darkness of the subconscious mind. Had God not of guided me through the dark corridors of my mind to the light within I would have been forced to kill the ego-mind and body. The journey from dark to light was not easy. And it is this truth of stillness that seers of the past have spoken of. It is what saved me from suffering. I still have moments when I am back in the ego-mind and can feel the effects of complex PTSD, but I do all my best to follow the FAITH of God, which is how you truly forgive that will take you from the wrong mind of judgment and attack to the right mind of peace and love.
You see, hidden deep within you is the truth of Perfect Love that no matter what projections are sent your way you will be wrapped in a bubble of Perfect Love that is so complete fear cannot enter.
I have found my way out of suffering and into salvation. And it is The Treasure Map that has been granted by God that offers true healing and miracles. Let me teach you the way God taught me to save myself. It truly is miraculous. There is a way out of fear and by following the FAITH of God, which is a 5-step process of Truforgiveness, you will find this right mind that will offer the happy dream in time.
The true cause of your pain and problems is the hidden guilt within. For example, many years ago now I could have spoken up and saved the life of an animal. Only I froze instead. I could not speak, for freezing has been my go-to response to terror. My voice was silenced, and so, as I step out to promote The Treasure Map this wound that has yet to be healed from me is asking to be released. It is my job to undo the wound to find the wisdom within. Had I not have been so wounded I would not have found the wisdom of God. So what once seemed like a burden has become my greatest blessing as it forced me to find the right mind that leads to awakening.
You can truly heal and change your life. Follow the FAITH of God and practice Truforgiveness daily. It is unlike the way the ego teaches Forgiveness, as this continues to keep you bound to the belief in separation. And it is this that is the true cause of the suffering you face.
If you want to know more about my story of suffering to salvation I take you into this in True Healing & The Treasure Map. I now know that darkness is not something to be afraid of, for when the shadows appear for you it is a chance to undo them to find the light of Perfect Love that is your true identity. Without the shade you will not be able to find where the ego has hidden the belief in separation from you. You have a power within that is greater than anything the ego has made. But you must learn to locate this to save yourself. And you need to be saved from the ego-mind, for there is only You here!
Much love, peace, and Truforgiveness,