Be Your Own Best FriendMar 02, 2022
This image was taken one month before my 39th birthday. And 6-years from when I fell into the dark decade of the soul that was called acute PTSD. It was my first night out in all these years and I was a little nervous to say the least. Yes, my lockdown was extremely severe, so when covid came I was well prepared.
This night it was a friend's birthday, her 40th. Fancy dress. I had no money to buy anything to wear. However, not long before I won a gift voucher for an online store and this gold sequin number is what I got. I had also won a hairdressing voucher worth $500 a few months prior and I would finally have a chance to redeem it.
I was a little scared to go into the city alone, to the salon. The day was dark and drizzly. Rain had washed me out. My mother had driven me as far as what she could into town, and I had to make my way on foot to get to this 'famous' man's studio. He worked with celebrity clientele, so I had high hopes. To be honest, I couldn't remember the last time I had my hair cut. But things did not go smooth, which would be an omen for my first night out and my reintroduction to society.
He was late, but I was now eager. I had made it and was doing fine on my own. Still learning what I could and could not do. I walked up to the loft and things started to go downhill. He asked my age. I told him. Quite pleased with myself. "I am almost 39." My mind still had aspects of childlike trauma. He replied that I need Botox and should not leave the house without make-up on. He then proceeded to tell me that his wife was older than me and she looked much better. One thing led to the other and he walked downstairs. Finally, the receptionist came up and told me to get my things, as he would not be willing to work on me.
As the door to the salon opened and I was escorted out as though I was a criminal, I took a deep breath. I realized how far I had come as this was not breaking me. A few years prior I would not have been able to cope. Yet, now I was. The love that I had found within was holding me tight.
I caught the bus back to my parents. Made a cup of tea and then started to get ready for this 40th birthday and to see people from my past I hadn't seen in a long time.
I went on my own. I was nervous about driving in the dark. Even thought it was only a short trip. I felt out of place as people caught up with each other. What did I have to speak about? The fact that I hadn't left the home in 6 years as they built their families and careers. I had done nothing in the world of form. I hadn't worked, had a partner, nor any children. I had failed as society says. But I had found God, and in fact, it meant that it was I that had everything. I was yet to understand this at this point in time. The true value of the transfer of learning that I had gone through in these years of undoing the ego-mind to locate the right mind that seers of the past had spoken about had not been made clear to me.
To be honest, I had found the right mind within that speaks of peace and love, and this presence of goodness and grace, cocooned me in safety and security. I had no one at the party to hold onto. I tried to hold onto my friend, but every time I went in search for her she was making fun of the experience that I had earlier in the day with the hairdresser. "Did you hear that so and so refused to style her hair. And he said she needed to get Botox. Then he made her leave." It was the first tear in our friendship.
I left early. With a heavy heart, although it was a hurdle that I had crossed. After 6-years I had left the house on my own at night. I had started to push myself out of my comfort zone. It was a small beginning, but I could do it. It would be baby steps from here. And whilst it seemed that I had no one on my side, I was realizing that I finally had myself, my true Self. I was my own best friend. And I had God, the true Source of Perfect Love.
This female friendship finally came to an end. She made a comment to a group of us one evening, "God did not give you any children as He knew you could not take care of them." At the time, it was like a knife going through my heart. I worked on truly forgiving her for months. Until I woke one day and it was time to let this friendship go.
The ego will never be worthy of your true Self, for the ego is the belief in sin, guilt, and fear. Do not be a doormat to ego-identification and do not believe the labels the ego dishes up!
Learn to love yourself and to be your own best friend. This is what true love is about.
What I have learned... when it is time for people to part and go different ways, different lessons, the ego plays up. Which is what happened here. It was simply time for us to go in different directions that would benefit both of us. No judgment! Truforgiveness only.
This reminded me of another lost friend that I had. I had someone close to me that was in the trial squad for the Australian Olympic Ski Team, training in Utah. When they let her go. She arrived back in Sydney, gutted as you can imagine, and we caught up. Apparently, I kept saying to her, "I can't believe this has happened to you." At the end of this catch-up, I never heard from her again. She too gave me the cold shoulder. For years I did not know what happened until maybe three or four years later her mother told me that at her time of need, she felt that I had not been supportive of her. It was a fault of ego thinking and a sign that we needed to walk in different directions. And so I truly forgave this and let her go free. We must learn to stop judging and understand that we walk with those that are beneficial to our growth and when we cannot grow any more from them, we move to different players. Forget gaslighting, ghosting, etc, and truly forgive whatever happens and you will undo the ego to find the right mind that offers the happy dream in time.
Much love, peace, and Truforgiveness,
P.S. Since I posted this I dreamt about my old friend. In the dream, I asked her how she was and told her that I will always love her and wish the best for her. How grateful I was for our time together. And that it was simply time for us to walk in different directions, as we had different lessons to learn. Do not judge how you move through friendships or relationships, for those that need to learn the same lessons walk together at the time. When the lessons are complete they are free to move on to the next lesson to learn. So they change directions and find those they next need to learn with. Forget the labels the ego offers and simply truly forgive everything and all will be well in your world.